My Eyes - My Future - My Montana

I knew things were changing. The circle slowly spinning. Signs everywhere. My ability to see them clearer now more than ever. I have been living my latest motto. I have stepped out of myself and things are good and things are happening. I've been so trapped inside, for way too many years, and it feels so free to "step out". I have rekindled a beautiful friendship, for lack of any other way to explain the relationship, and I'm meeting new people that love the same things I do. I never thought in a million years I would put myself out there as I am doing and I'm starting to enjoy it. Imagine me! part of a social circuit....

I'm so excited and I have no one to be excited with me! I went to register for my classes today, my plan is in action and I couldn't be happier! Last night was awful. Again I had to hear about how selfish it is for me to go to school. Again hearing him tell me he doesn't get anything out of it. It's really about him losing a bit of control...me out of the house, not at a job where he can "see" everything I do; meeting new people. I just have to laugh at his absurdity! It does suck that I can't talk about it or share my excitement. I am now going to have to deal with his ill attitude, I guess, for the next year. But it's worth it and I'm so excited.
Hello World, I'm back in school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sacrifices

Getting my education, I've always thought, was something I do for myself. Why can't I get the support I need for goinging back? He tells me that it's not worth the sacrifice of my time to him. That it's not "fair" to the family that I'd be gone from home. That I get too "uppity". That he should get something out of it. Those are some of the most absurd things I've ever heard. He says the only way I can go back is if in 3 years I make big bucks so he can have "more". I asked him if he was not happy with everything we already have; he said he wants more. He has his custom Harley and his fancy Cadi Deville and he still wants more. Life is not about the material things. I'm not going to go back to school for that. Education is for yourself. You don't do it for someone else. He says I'm selfish for saying that. I don't get it. Am I being too selfish to see? You educate yourself to better yourself. Whether you're in the classroom or out in the world, education is worth the sacrifice. It is to me. And I don't care what he says about it. It just makes things harder though...he left me the first time I went back. He thought he would be the teacher and teach me that I couldn't make it without him. That he was right and I was wrong. If he walks out that door, so be it. And if I have to go back to work for 40 hours a week to go to school full time, then that is what I am going to do. That is a sacrifice I have made before and will make again. It's worth it to me.

My Guide

My spirit guide has appeared before me. He must be my guide because I have no way else of explaining how and why he has appeared to me. Coming home from work one night just a few weeks ago, around 10:30 pm, only maybe ¼ mile from my house, I come around a curve and my lights are shining on the biggest buck I have ever seen in all my life. He was standing at the edge of the road; looking right into the lights of my car seeming to see beyond the lights and focusing his gaze right into my eyes. Not being scared he was about to leap before me, I was mesmerized by his dark black eyes and was amazed at his size, his apparent strength, and the massive rack upon his head. I know he had at least 12 points. He was one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. I had slowed the car when I first spotted him, not knowing what he was about to do. But he just stood there, watching me, waiting for me to pass. I looked in my rear view mirror, he never crossed that road, he just stood there watching me…

And then again, last weekend, on my way home from work, at the exact same location, he was there again; just exactly as he was before. Standing there almost on the pavement, seeming to be waiting for me, not afraid, just something he must be trying to say. Again I was not frightened, not afraid he would cross, I just looked right into his eyes, wanting so much to know what he is trying to say. I slowly drove by; he just stood there, watching me…

The deer carries the message of purity and purpose; and of walking in the light. His strength and his age must make him my my special spirit guide. I see clearly now that he is showing me a sign. I’m doing what is right…I’m following my inner light.

Twice in the last two weeks..... He must really be making sure I understand or else he is watching very closely over me, so close to home, making sure he’s seen…

I was asked today if I was happy from a very dear friend. The first thing in my mind was that I'm not miserable. Miserable, happy, miserably happy? By nature I am a very happy person. I wake up happy, ready to greet a new day. I find happiness in the smallest of things; the way the sun hits the glass in my kitchen and creates a rainbow in the room; when the sky is so beautiful blue with not a cloud in the sky; watching a family of hummingbirds feed every morning in front of my window at 9:30am; hearing the sound of my little dogs nails prancing across the wood floors; watching my daughter sleep, just to name a few. I'm happy that I'm healthy and my family as well. I'm happy that I can spend all the time I do with my daughter. I'm happy, really happy, when I spend the months of September soaking up the sun in the middle of the pacific ocean. There are so many things that make my happy and that I am so grateful for. But there are things in my life that if I could change, if I do change, would make me happy in a way that only that way could. I guess that true happiness really does come within; within your own heart; your own happy. And that's the love, your own love, the kind you know only comes to you once in your lifetime, that kind of love. .. If one believes that they deserve that happiness, the completeness of their heart, when they share it with their love, it is a love worth loving. Knowing I'm missing that, that makes me unhappy. But I stay happy for the tomorrows, I am happy for the days I am here on the earth, but I would be happiest with my last love..........So miserable I'm not, happy I am and happy I'm not.

Holding my breath, waiting...

Wednesday. Halfway through the work/school week. Wondering what the next few days will bring. The last couple of weeks have been in that never ending cycle of drugs.
The popping of pills, the anger, the frustration, the pain. Living with a drug addict is almost the hardest thing I've had to endure. I feel cheated, I didn't know he was an addict when I married him. I didn't get to choose my path because I didn't know. That makes me so angry. That I am living this life with this awful burden. I wouldn't have come down this way. I would have turned and ran. Now, I sit here and all I can do is this.....Get out? Not an option that I can see. No matter how hard it is for me, I know how hard it is for him. He dosen't want to be this way. He tells me that all the time. He tells me I'm his rock. He says he listens to me more than I realize. Does that mean he only stays high 2 weeks out of a month instead of 4? 2 weeks of being high, one week of coming down, and one week of jonesing for the next script.......The never ending cycle. Seven years of this and I'm still going around and around in circles. How is one to turn their back on someone they commited themselves too? That's my dilemma. I can't turn my back on him. Rehab. He's been there. He says it's not "right" for him. Too much hugging and mushiness. He can admit that he is an addict. That was supposed to be the first step of many. For him, it was the first and last. To him, that's good enough. For me, it's not. I don't understand this grip that addiction has on a person's mind. If you have one voice in your head telling you it's wrong and another voice telling you to stop what you're doing, go to wherever it is to get that script, get it, take it and get it filled, and then pop half the bottle, then what do you do? When you're doing something you know you shouldn't, what makes you do it? What makes an addict ignore reason and continue doing what they know they shouldn't or "can't". By "shouldn't" it's not because someone "says so", but because of what it literally does to the person's mind. The chemicals literally changes him into an angry beast. And when he's high he has no idea what he says, what he does. Weeks on end are like this. He's high, he's mean, he sleeps, wakes up angry, gets high to "simmer down", and sleeps again. Never knowing, until he's straight again, what he has said, what he has done. My burden is keeping it all together. Trying to cover for him. Hiding it, or think I'm hiding it, from my daughter. But she's getting older, she knows when "something's wrong with daddy", and I have to make excuses. I don't want her to know, but how much longer can I do that before she catches on. She was younger when he went to rehab. "Daddy has gone on a business trip" I told her. I don't want her to know her daddy is an addict. Why does she have to know and carry this burden as well? I'm trying to hold it all together all by myself. I sit at home alone all day, waiting for him to come home, hoping and praying he'll be straight when he walks through that door. I hold my breath and I wait. I wait to speak, I wait to see......

a few seconds

The last few days I've been thinking about what I would say and who I would say it to, if I knew it would be the last words I ever spoke. Facing an impending doom of death would I cry out to someone? Would someone be physically there or would I be reaching for a phone? Who would I call? Would they even answer the phone? If I only had a few seconds, would I have something to say? Am I saying everything I need to say now while I am here and have the ability? Words unspoken. .... How much commitment does an unspoken word have? What is truly the meaning of an unspoken word?............ Back to a few seconds if that's all I had.... It would be worth every last breath, every struggled word, it would be the last words I would want to speak, to my daughter I would tell, how very much I loved her and always will....

Chinese Dinner

It was a nice evening to get out
Away from the swirling tension
and apprehension.
First a nice ride
Saw a man about a dog....so adorable..
A stop for happy to accompany
Then a fabulous Chinese dinner.
Me! Chinese!
Still serving after 10:30......
So unpretictable for us......
The dinner that is.
Time with my best friend.
It always makes my day brighter.....

Learning to Live, Learning to Die

I feel so much the continual death of everything and everybody, and have so learned to reconcile myself to it, that the final and official end loses most of its impressivesness.........

While I have thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. In my very short life I have had to suffer the loss of a husband, the father and protector of my daughter. At twenty-four years old when most have found or are close to finding their course in life, tradegy struck. In a split instant death interposed.

Time has passed, but unforgivingly. Time dosen't ease the pain of one suffering from the devasting destruction of death.....regardless of what anyone may say. The hour which gives us life begins to take it away. Looking at life is looking at death head on. I see it. In everyone, in everything, at every moment.

Today death is settling into two of the strongest women in my life. At any moment, anytime, they will both take their last breaths. My heart is aching and my mind is remembering how life used to be for them both. Both of their bodies are wretched with pain, they've both been clinging to the life that is leaving their body and suffering as the pain of death is taking them away. The pain and the hurt of death live inside of me. I live it everyday.....hoping that I have felt and suffered all it had to offer, to not let it hurt me anymore.